Unfinished Wars

I'm tired of all the wars we start, but can never finish. In the U.S., our government has given us the "War on Poverty," the "War on Drugs," and now we have the "War on Terrorism,"... another opened ended war with no possible end in sight. You'd think the people who make it to the top would be the best and the brightest, but obviously that's not the case.

Best Guitar Players

I play guitar and participated in several garage bands that had a few gigs in some bars... nothing serious. But, when guitar players get together, the topic always turns to, "the best guitar player." There are lots of differing opinions, and many subjective lists have been posted on the Internet (jazz, rock, country) but, the same names always appear. One name that's always missing is Robin Trower.

Born on March 9, 1945, in Catford, England, (he's now 61) Robin Trower played in lots of bands including Procol Harum (A Whiter Shade of Pale) before eventually starting his own, which sometimes was the opening act for the Rolling Stones.

I picked up a copy of his Living Out of Time DVD and I was pleasantly surprised that he played (and sounded) just the same as he did when I first discovered him.

What I Wouldn't Do

I sometimes wonder if there's a limit on what people would do for money.

Recently, a Kansas City, Missouri couple falsely claimed they were the new parents of sextuplets in a scheme to profit from their neighbors' kindness. The births were said to have occurred in March, and the local newspaper ran a story with a photograph of the couple holding six baby outfits. A reporter was allowed into the home nursery, which included six gift baskets from the husband's employer, and demonstrating they were prepared to receive the four boys and two girls, as soon as they were discharged from intensive care.

The couple created a web site soliciting gifts which included a van, washer and dryer, cash and gift certificates, and a new house. Oddly enough, the babies were never seen and the town police chief could find no record of the birth. Now, the truth is out, and prosecutors haven't determined how much the couple profited from the scam, or what charges to bring beyond the municipal level. The couple said they did it because they needed the money. I was amazed at all the effort they put into their scam.

Occasionally, I ponder just how far I'd go if I really was in desperate need. I wouldn't kill anyone, or become involved in anything that would harm another. I wouldn't rob, steal, or cheat anyone. And, I wouldn't do anything that involved a crime. I'm the kind who always gets caught.

Wrap Rage

A major newspaper in the U.S. city where I live recently reported, "British researchers blame "Wrap Rage" for more than 60,000 injuries in that country." The article went on to say, "In 2004, a writer for The Times of London described the CD as the crucible of wrap rage, whose old cardboard box was replaced by a zip strip. The answer to our unwrapping prayers! Yet 12 years later, a pull-tab torn off in hand, we are still chewing through plastic like wild dogs."

I've occasionally sliced a finger on the edge of a plastic package, and I've managed to scatter the contents of a potato chip bag about the room. A company that makes my favorite cough drops provides a bag that's resealable, but the initial opening can be frustrating as the perforated portion never quite comes off all the way. It usually takes three or more attempts to completely open the bag.

I've acquired the habit of reaching for the scissors rather than a razor blade or a sharp-pointed knife when opening a new package. Past experience has taught me that introducing some tools into the situation can only increase the risk of injury when dealing with a hard-to-open packaging.

The worst packages to open are children's toys, especially on holiday mornings. Parents are half asleep, the children are impatient, and even after opening the package, you're likely to encounter a host of wire or plastic ties employed to prevent theft. Often, freeing the toy from its packaging without destroying the item is a challenge.

"We've put people on the moon," as the old saying goes, so it seems as though someone could design a package that would protect the contents, without preventing the consumer from getting to it.

Good-bye June

I was shocked and saddened by the news that June Pointer, the youngest member of the Pointer Sisters, died of cancer at UCLA Medical Center in Santa Monica today. She was only 52-years old.

I loved the Pointer Sisters the way I loved the Beatles, but June was my favorite of the group. I still play their music, dancing around the kitchen while we cook the evening meal. I can't sit still when I hear Automatic, Fire, He's So Shy, or the Neutron Dance.

It's depressing to think that, like the Beatles, the Pointer Sisters can never get together again. Good-bye June.

Fries with that?

A news story on CNN told of a woman who dipped a hard-boiled egg in a dish of multi-colored dyes and pulled out an Easter Egg with Jesus on it. Although this occurred eight years ago, she's recently decided to sell her treasure on... you guessed it, eBay. Currently on eBay, you can even bid on an autographed picture of Jesus Christ, honest to God.

I've lost count of all the various food items, trees, windows, and subterranean wall oozings upon which an image of the Savior has appeared. I recall a tortilla, a toasted cheese sandwich, a potato chip, and a pork chop or some cut of meat, all with a likeness of the Lord, or so claimed the owners of said items.

Reflections of street lights and merging shadows of a bush and a real estate sign once produced an image of Christ on the Cross on a garage door in California in 1981, drawing 8,000 visitors one April weekend. And, Jesus showed up on the chimney of a suburban Chicago bowling alley in June of 1987. Some argued it really just meant it was time to have the chimney repaired, while others thought the image looked more like Popeye. In May of 1991, J.C. miraculously appeared amidst a plate of spaghetti on a Pizza Hut billboard in Atlanta, Georgia. At the same time, others instead saw deceased rock star Jim Morrison, or country singer Willie Nelson.

In 1993, 3,000 of the faithful converged on an apartment building in upper Manhattan to witness an apparition of Jesus Christ on a frosted glass of a 5th floor bathroom window. Apparently, the source of the apparition was moisture that had accumulated between two layers of glass. When police removed the window and had it taken to be scrubbed, some called it, "sacrilegious."

I suppose people see what they want to see, or perhaps what's on their mind already. Frequently religious images have been observed after prayer, or on the way home from church services. But, it was when I saw a web page demonstrating how to create your own toasted religious relic by creatively arranging slices of butter on bread that the idea struck me. There could be something like McBuddha, or maybe House-O-Moses and Pancakes. Customers could order food with their favorite religious figure burned, carved, or molded into it. Think of the possibilities.

"Would you like fries with that Confucius Burger?"

Falsely Accused

Depending on the jurisdiction, in some places a man might receive up to a ten-year sentence if convicted of rape. In countries governed by religious leaders, the punishment can be much worse. A few cultures still practice stoning someone to death, or cutting off their hands.

By contrast, (depending on the jurisdiction), a woman might get just one year in jail if it's proven that by accusing a man of rape, she filed a false report.

There's no justification for rape and certainly the punishment for such a crime should be harsh... some even suggest castration. But, given the severity of the penalty a person would pay for raping someone, I wonder if it's fair that the punishment for falsely accusing another of the same crime is so much less.

If a UFO Landed...

I've thought about how I'd react if I ever observed a UFO land. If there's one thing the Bush Administration has taught us, it's that you have to be prepared for anything all the time, and to be afraid... be very afraid. And so, I am.

Should I knock on the door of the flying saucer seeking autographs, or load the pellet gun and hunker down, so to speak? Would they be agreeable to peace talks over wine and crackers, or will they be seeking hostages? Can I convince them the cat is our first born, so take him instead of me?

It's a tricky business, all this UFO stuff, and there are no books in the library, or sites online that explain just how to handle every extraterrestrial close encounter. Well, actually there is, if you're a fireman.

Deerfield Township Fire Chief William Kramer, who also teaches firefighting courses at the University of Cincinnati and hosts fire education videos, covered the topic in a 1992 textbook, Fire Officers' Guide to Disaster Control. Chief Kramer says that firefighters and emergency providers should be prepared to handle mass panic if a UFO lands, and that an actual UFO landing should be treated with caution to safeguard against toxic substances. He goes on to advise us to not alarm possible extraterrestrial visitors, as though we wouldn't be in the process of changing our underwear.

I never knew that handling UFO crash sites was part of a firefighter's job description, but somehow, I feel safer.

Getting Older, Getting Old

I've been thinking about the difference between getting older, and getting old.

One time honored adage says, "Age is a state of mind." Well, try and tell that to the elderly. I've spent some time with relatives in nursing homes, and I'm not looking forward to the future. After a certain point, whatever is going on in one's mind, if anything at all, is questionable. For some, the mental process seems to turn toward things that never really happened, or a sort of crazy time/space jump back to things that happened long ago. On occasion, it seems as though it might be fun to do, even if you're the only one in the experience.

Getting older is good. It feels good to be mature and accepted by society. Maturity brings with it a degree of freedom. You can do things without getting scolded, or reported to the principal. You can go farther away from home to do bad things so that no one you know will see. Eventually, if you live long enough, you can even get to drive fast, and drink lots. Getting older is good.

Then, one day, you realize you're searching for that imaginary line called "life expectancy," and then divide buy two, to locate the point where there's now less time ahead of you than there is behind. You start to watch your diet, exercise more, and begin cutting back on bad habits. You go to bed earlier, but sleep less. You admire an attractive member of the opposite sex, and recall with a certain fondness when it had meaning other than a mere appreciation for beauty. This is called, "Getting Old".

Tattoo Girls

I recall a summer day at an amusement park seeing a very attractive red-head woman wearing a pink tank top and white shorts. She, also, sported a dragon tattoo that started at her shoulder, and went all the way down past her midriff, down her leg, ending at her foot. It was interesting, artistic, appealing, and creative. However, my first thought was that it would have looked better on a canvas, not on a human body.

My impression of the woman was formed unconsciously. She seemed unapproachable, hard, difficult, manly, although she was lovely to look at, sans the tattoo. The group I was with all turned to each other, and almost in unison, every one said out loud, "What for?" I wondered how she would have looked, and how she would have seemed, before the massive application that seemed more like a billboard than a mere tattoo.

Defenders of tattoos will call it "body art," and cite how different cultures, for a variety of reasons, have engaged in the practice for centuries. Tattoos have been used to indicate a person's occupation, to ward off sickness, membership in a clan, or to draw strength from a particular animal. Tattoos have also been used to mark spies, slaves, and concentration camp inmates.

Today, the main purpose for tattoos seems to be to provide an occupation for artists who would otherwise be unemployed.